Crom help us.
“What is best in life? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.” This quote is probably the most famous line from the original Conan movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Conan needs a great writer… a wolf-hungry snarling beast of a writer who shadow-boxes in his backyard and worries the neighbors. A writer who is not afraid to offend or shock the audience.
As reported by Deadline.com – Andrea Berloff (World Trade Center) has been named as the Legend of Conan script writer.
Andrea, you better be hungry, you better understand the inner workings of the 15-35 year old male who wants to wield a bastard sword and tread the jeweled thrones of the world under his sandaled feet.
Arnold is old, he will likely have less than 20 inch arms, and for Crom’s sake he better have a beard in the movie. You need to know how to write for Arnold, you need to understand Arnold as an actor as well as Conan as a character and the delicate sword dance between the two.
This is Conan’s last big-screen chance, (and probably Arnold’s too), so as Arnold said to Lou Ferrigno’s father in Pumping Iron, “Don’t screw him up this time.”
We don’t want Hollywood politics, and favors given to writers and directors; we want King Conan as closely to Robert E. Howard’s vision as possible. Yes, John Milius and Oliver Stone changed Conan quite a bit for the first movie, but it was well written and the cinematography and music were brilliant. The first Conan soundtrack by Basil Poledouris went on to become one of the most famous movie soundtracks of all time.
I could continue to pound my keyboard here, but there has been enough talk. Conan fans want a legendary movie – not more rubbish that is endlessly doled out. Any writer lined up for the next Conan movie better feel the shadow of Conan standing over them thumbing his axe.
I think the best way to end is with this summoning of Howard’s spirit:
This better not be haga!
Hey! 15-35 year old WOMEN want a good Conan movie, too! Don’t you dare fall into the trap Hollywood does and believe that women don’t want a good hack & slash!
For crying out loud, the Angry Barbarian Munchkin is a Gamer Girlfriend Stereotype. And that means we want some quality/campy Conan action!
Preach it woman! I’m all for Andrea Berloff actually giving us characters like the Queen of the Black Coast or Zenobia… I’m desperately trying to maintain a glimmer of hope, yet I’m definitely leaning towards brooding melancholy over this possibly being a good product. Why not actually hire a FANTASY writer – male or female.
Succinct article that sums up my fears at this signing. I am less than hopeful that this venture will be anything more than a steaming pile of bunk.
Gnarly article. Completely agree. Really hope something close to the brilliance of the 1st film can happen. Though, to be honest, almost anything will be an improvement on the recent reboot. I say they just go back and film Oliver Stone’s original script. THAT would be something.